Gems from Junk Mail

All of us are going through our lives searching for answers. How to find friends. How to save money. How to find that perfect job. Et cetera. Well, here's the thing: We already have the answers right under our noses! You heard that right. And to find them, we need only look inside...

...our junk email boxes.

Yep. We don't even have to open the darn things to see the treasure trove of solutions they must each contain.

I can see you're skeptical. OK, let's take a look at the titles from my junk email box over just the last week. Then you can judge for yourself.

First, I can have financial success:

• Save Big on Paper! Well. What writer doesn't need that?
• I Found You a New Job! - Hmmm. I didn't even know I was looking for a new one, but this must be just what I (wasn't) looking for.
• Make Your Debt Disappear - 30 Second App. Thirty seconds. Thirty seconds to total financial freedom! Who knew?
• Quit Your Boring Job and Be a Google Millionaire! Wow. Nobody told me my job was boring, and I certainly didn't know Google was handing out boucou cash. I'd better get clickin'.
• Your Underground Cash Invitation. Great! Those underground folks are so much more generous than the ones up top. I never get cash invitations in the land of the light.
• Future Millionaires Wanted. Really? And they sent the email to me? Yes! They must know something I don't. I love omniscience. Especially when it leans in my favor.

Second, I can improve myself physically:

• Enlarge Your (HmmmHmmmm). Oh. Ummm...Yeah...See, I don't have one of those...but I must need to...er...enlarge it.
• Add Inches to Your (HmmmmmHmmmm) GUARANTEED. Well, this is the second one this week. Do they know something I don't? Maybe I should go check...hold on...nope. Don't have one of those. I guess even junk mail gets the wrong address occasionally.
• No Botox Facelift. Facelift? I didn't know my face had fallen...I'll have to go find it and pick it up once we're done here.
• Lose 20 Pounds in 20 Days. Now this one sounds interesting, but I only need to lose five. I wonder if I can pass the loss of the other 15 on to someone else. Let me know if you want 'em...
• Flat Stomach Pill. Imagine! All this time, all I needed was this one measly pill. Click...

And most importantly, I can improve my social status:

• Greetings to You From Mr. Chan. Hey! Already I've got a brand new friend just waiting to be contacted.
• Movie Extras, Actors, Models Needed. Needed! And they sent the invitation to me! Obviously, my reputation precedes me...

See? Was I right, or was I right? Now, what are you waiting for? Go open those junk mail boxes and start improving your life...today.