I powered up the tv, the speakers, and the Wii.
So far, so good.
I grabbed a remote, put out the balance board, and popped the disc in the console.
I clicked on Wii Fit. I clicked on my avatar. I endured sarcastic nagging from Wii Fit: "Well, if it isn't Mommy," it said. And: "Your last workout was 31 days ago."
As if I didn't know that.
Resisting the urge to smash The Little White Insulting Box (controlled rage is a powerful thing, and I have it in spades these days), I clicked through to begin the body test.
But instead of saying, "Starting up..." and asking me to "Step on," The Little White Insulting Box showed me The Black Screen of Death and told me my remote needs batteries. So I hauled myself upstairs and dug through the drawer in the kitchen where all batteries are kept. I found C's. I found nine-volts. I found a brand new package of like, twenty triple A's. I even found these teeny button cell batteries that I don't even know where the heck they came from. But I did not find any double A's.
So I trudged back downstairs and picked up a different remote that didn't need new batteries.
But, since The First Remote was already synched with The Little White Insulting Box, it wouldn't recognize The Second Remote.
Alrighty. So then, I plucked the supposedly dead batteries out of The First Remote to kill the connection, and tried again. Still, The Little White Insulting Box would not budge, and The Second Remote was showing signs of acute rejection issues. So I shut the whole shebang down, counted to 30, and booted it all back up again.
This time, The Little White Insulting Box accepted The Second Remote, which at that point was technically The Second First Remote, but whatever.
Once again, I clicked to begin the body test.
No dice. I got The Black Screen of Death yet again, only this time it was the balance board that was out of juice.
And do you know what kind of batteries that balance board takes?
So I hurled some insults of my own right back at The Little White Insulting Box, shut the whole thing down and left it down, threw on a sweatshirt, fired up the music good and loud on my phone - which is always charged and which never insults me - and stomped out of the house for a long, long walk.