Monday, January 26, 2009

They Make a Bra for Cars, So Why Not?

Life used to be so simple. When I was a little girl, I knew bras were for the support of that part of me that seemed destined to be forever flat, which therefore rendered bras unnecessary. And I was cool with that. But nature eventually kicked in, and I had to face the fact that a bra was indeed necessary. I lived in this blissfully simple one-purpose-and-one-purpose-only-for-a-bra world...until I got my first car. 

It was a sports car (not extravagant, but it was my baby), with a front spoiler, and so that the paint wouldn't chip, I asked the parts guy at the dealership for a car cover for the spoiler. He stifled a grin and said, "Oh, you need a bra." My face turned 52 shades of red and, thinking he had somehow misunderstood, I repeated my request. S-l-o-w-l-y. But I got the same answer: "You. Need. A. Bra." Before I could tell him exactly what I thought of his cheek (because I was wearing one, thankyouverymuch), he held up one finger and then went back to the shelves. When he reappeared, he was holding the black leather cover I envisioned for the front of my car. I grabbed it, and looked it over. The packaging said clearly, "car bra."

Well. Color me confused. And red. Very very red. (Not to mention excruciatingly aware of being the only woman in the parts department.) So, after Parts Guy accompanied me out to my car and showed me how to put on my "bra," I zipped out of there as fast as I lawfully could, and tried to put things into perspective. OK, so a bra was for my own support up top, but, like, a bra was also a front spoiler protector for my car? Hmmm. That was where the headlights were. Did that mean my car was a girl?  

So, life got a little more complicated, but I handled it. And it all was cool. Weird, but cool.

But now here I am, mumble-mumble years later, and my slightly modified world view has been rocked again. All this time, I thought bras had two purposes: mammary support, and car protection. But, no. There is another...

...derriere support.

You read that right. They call it the Butt Bra. AKA "bottom enhancer." AKA "padded panty." And, just like the original bra worn up north, they come in different varieties, too. One type looks like a little set of seat belts - one wrapped around the waist, and two others wrapped around each cheek. (Just strap yourself in.) Another looks like a girdle, but with a significant, umm, breezeway built in around back. (Not sure how that one works.) Still others look like girdles, but have padding sewn in back (with model names that are nothing if not creative: "Buttilicious," "Bootyfull," and "Unbuttlievable" to name a few). 

But wait! There's more: if you don't want to go the support route, preferring to be unencumbered by straps or constriction, you can just get yourself some squishy silicone "butt pads." Yep. Peel and stick 'em, just like you do with their cousins for up north. Yes, really. 

So, a bra for the usual. A bra for your car. And a bra for your bum. Yeesh. I hope this is the last of 'em. My life is complicated enough.

1 comment:

  1. Car bras, check.

    Butt bra??????

    I was so desperate to have a bra back when I had nothing to put in it, and I have been running away from them almost ever since then.


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