What's in a name?
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for loot, when a voice in the dark said,
"Jesus knows you're here."
The burglar nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he let out the breath he was holding and continued his search.
He found two iPods and shoved them in a bag. Then he spied a Wii. Just as he pulled out the game console to disconnect it from the TV, he heard the voice again,
"Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he whispered to the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed. Then it squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you that Jesus is watching you."
"Warn me, huh?" The burglar relaxed, then asked, "Who are you, little birdie?"
"Moses," replied the parrot.
"Moses?" The burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"
"The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
One day a mailman was walking his route to deliver the mail, when he came upon a little boy and a huge dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"
"No," replied the boy.
Just as the mailman reached down to give the dog a scratch behind the ears, it whipped its head around and bit the mailman's hand.
The mailman yelled, "I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!"
"He doesn't," replied the boy. "That's not my dog."
Lost in translation:
Some psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. "Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student.
"Sadness," he replied.
"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student.
"Elation," he replied.
"The opposite of woe?" the professor asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."
A matter of perception:
While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a guy led the way to his living room, where there was a big brass gong.
"What's the brass gong for?" asked one of his friends.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the guy replied.
"A talking clock?" his friend asked. "Seriously?"
The guy smiled. "Watch this," he said. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and waited. Soon after, a voice on the other side of the wall screamed, "Dude! It's 2:00 in the morning!"
Q. Why did the cowboy buy a dachshund?
A. Because someone told him to get a long little doggie.
Q. What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A. Big holes all over Australia.
These jokes each turned up on myriad pages via Google searches for "clean jokes" and "clean story jokes."